david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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