Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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