if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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