That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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