A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
