I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
