I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
