I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
