Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
