U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
