And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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