Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This is the prime rib incident all over again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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