Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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