Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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