Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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