well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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