OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
