It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
