I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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