Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
