my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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