Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hippo gnu deer
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
