i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize