When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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