im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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