Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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