i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
