Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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