I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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