Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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