I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
