I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
