sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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