the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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