hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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