I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
