That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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