I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
