You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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