I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
