this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
