The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
