my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
