Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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