Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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