the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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