our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
