What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
