I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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