I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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