Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
