Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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