Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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