Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
